Man standing in the sunshine

Best pickup lines of all time

Dear Velvet,

I’m trying to meet guys and I’m at a total loss.   Where are the guys who are interested in a future together?  The whole shebang, not just some guy looking to pass the time because he’s too lazy to make his own breakfast.  What a turn off.

I want a guy who makes good money, keeps his stuff clean, and sees himself with kids.  Someone who’s sane.  Someone good at relationships.

What should I do to attract the right kind of man?

I Remember Love

Dear Remember Love,

You ever heard of ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’? Right. Judge him.  Profile like the Ferguson police.  Check him out, yeah, baby.   Ensure no ring and no ring tan line.  And then, pray.

Check out how he treats people.  Does he look them in the eye when talking or do his eyes constantly pull toward his phone?  Never compete for a guy’s attention with an electronic device.  It starts with the mobile, and it ends with Siri.  That bitch.

Next, take a look at his clothes.  Grungy expensive jeans with a flannel shirt? Don’t be confused by the lumberjack look.  If his blue jeans are pressed, you’re on the right track. But if you throw out a line and he stares back at you with a blank look, then it is so over because, without a doubt, he bats for the other team.  Pressed jeans are so misleading.

All is not lost, though.  There are other sapiens in the scum-filled sea.  Look around.  Who looks like he has a retirement account?  Take a sip of liquid courage before sautering over.  Try out one of these lines to lead you to special someone.

  1. “Can you direct me to the Dark Side?
  2. “Excuse me, are you in town for the Robotics convention?”
  3. “What’s your favorite Ponzi scheme of all time?”
  4. “Apple or Android? OMG, you’re a Microsofty!”
  5. “Now you have the look of a programmer.”

Hey, a girl needs to start somewhere.


Posted in Blog Post.


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